


Story of a Famous Soldier Part One: Tears of Regret

by sakemori



Series: "Tears of" Trilogy [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Action/Adventure, Angst, Blood and Gore, Dark, ErerixOC, F/M, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, Original Character Death(s), Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Psychological Horror, RirenxOC, Sad, Threesome - F/M/M, ereri, riren - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-08
Updated: 2016-02-11
Packaged: 2018-05-12 14:02:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5668618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sakemori/pseuds/sakemori
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lieutenant-Sergeant Ella Saddoris (The Demon of the Scouts and Humanity's Vengeance) of the Recon Corp might be one of the most famous soldiers during the Titan Era two-thousand years ago. Second known to only Captain Levi Ackerman (Humanity's Strongest) or Cadet Eren Yeager (Humanity's Last Hope), her background was considered a mystery; until a series of diaries were found in the ruins of Wall Maria. Translated from the French-German languages it was written in, her story is now coming into light of what happened when titans ruled the Earth. Told from her point of view in story format. Part one of the "Tears Of" trilogy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Interlude One/Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ChaosAngel1111](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaosAngel1111/gifts).



> Warnings: Blood, gore, guts, sex, and severe language. Anything associated with AoT is bound to reside in this three part story. ErerixOC fanfiction eventually. Every other sentence in the diary entries posted will be written in French and German. I'll leave a translation in the end notes. 
> 
> Rating(s): This fanfiction is rated without one for a reason.
> 
> Actual Author's Note: Yeah, I have no real comment yet on this. Criticism and commentary are accepted. Flames are not. I gave you your warnings above. Also: are my translations okay? Did I get the French and German right?
> 
>  
> 
> And it's technically gonna be a gift for the lovely ChaosAngel1111 for helping me sort out my ideas for this and giving me the courage to write one of my favorite OTPs (or only OTP for this fandom technically) because I was too embarrassed. Thank you, girlie! You're awesome! XD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the first diary entrance that was translated and gives a bit of insight into what's going to happen in this story. Essentially, a bit of foreshadowing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Has slight language this chapter.
> 
> Rating(s): This chapter is T.
> 
> Actual Author's Note: Yeah, I have no real comment yet on this. Criticism and commentary are accepted. Flames are not. I gave you your warnings above. Also: are my translations okay? Did I get the French and German right?

_***** 3 avril_  
_****** Jahr 840_

_***** Le métro a rien sur l'enfer qui est au-delà du mur. ****** Ich verstehe nicht, wie meine Kameraden haben ihren Verstand nach all dieser Zeit gehalten. ***** Regarder tous vos camarades mourir ... ****** Ich glaube nicht, Schlaf (das wenige, was ich auf jeden Fall erhalten, in der Regel) wird für einige Zeit nach den Schrecken Ich habe gerade vor Stunden erlebt kommt von selbst. ***** Même avec tout le sang que je l'ai vu renversé, certains même de ma propre main, aurait pu me préparer pour le spectacle que je vis aujourd'hui. ****** Ich sehe noch ihr Gesicht, als sie auseinander Glied für Glied gerissen aufgrund dieser elende Kreaturen ..._

_***** Oh, mon Dieu, tout est de ma faute! ****** Ich sollte härter versucht haben, sie dazu zu bringen, innerhalb der Sicherheit von den Wänden zu bleiben. ***** Je l'aurais collé de plus près à son côté. ****** Ich habe gerade das Angebot, ein Scout sein zurückgegangen. ***** J'aurais dû... ****** Ich sollte... ***** Je l'aurais pris la place du morveux. ****** Ein Licht wie ihr sollten niemals ausgelöscht worden. Ich sollte das Gör genommen haben. ***** Mon Dieu! ****** Wie zum Teufel soll ich annehmen, um Beth zu erklären, was zum Teufel ist mit ihr passiert? ***** Merde! ****** Beth nie in der Lage, mich für nicht in der Lage, um Claire retten zu vergeben ... ***** Non pas que je pourrai jamais de me pardonner soit. ****** ICH... ***** Je regrette de ne jamais prendre Claire avec moi pour devenir un soldat. ****** Ihr Tod wird mich für den Rest meines Lebens wegen meiner Nachlässigkeit verfolgen._

_Claire ... ****** Vergib mir..._

_-E. Saddoris_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Entry translation:  
> *French  
> **German
> 
> April 3rd  
> Year 840
> 
> The Underground has nothing on the hellhole that is beyond the wall. I don't understand how my fellow soldiers have kept their sanity after all this time. Watching all your comrades die... I don't think sleep (what little I generally get at any rate) will come easy for quite some time after the horrors I've just witnessed hours ago. Even with all the blood I've seen spilt, some even by my own hand, couldn't have prepared me for the sight I saw today. I can still see her face as she was being torn apart limb by limb due to those wretched creatures...
> 
> Oh, God, it's all my fault! I should have tried harder to get her to stay within the safety of the walls. I should have stuck closer to her side. I should have just declined the offer to be a Scout. I should have... I should have... I should have taken the brat's place. A light like hers should have never been snuffed out. Oh, God! How the hell am I suppose to explain to Beth what the fuck happened to her? I'm not a coward but I don't think I have the strength to face her at the moment. Fuck! Beth will never be able to forgive me for not being able to save Claire... Not that I'll ever be able to forgive myself either.
> 
> I... I regret ever taking Claire with me to become a soldier. Her death will haunt me for the rest of my life because of my carelessness.
> 
> Claire... Forgive me...
> 
> -E. Saddoris
> 
>  
> 
> So this is the first chapter thingy as a diary entry. No, the whole thing won't be like this. Every Interlude will be though. *sighs tiredly* translating all the English into French and German will be a pain in the neck, let me tell you. Are the translations correct? Is the French and German correct? Comments and thoughts on this are very much welcome. I need the criticism (productive, mind you) so anything you have to say, I want to know!


	2. Scouts, MPs, and Ass-hats; Oh My!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes everything I have to keep standing, to keep breathing, as everything loses focus for a single moment the two words doing nothing but echoing inside my head.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: Ton of cussing with a bit of violence tagged in. ^-^
> 
> Rating(s): This fanfiction is rated without one for a reason. This chapter though is rated T for some very bad language.
> 
> Actual Author's Note: Yeah, not a journal entry. Those are the Interludes that give a bit of insight in the future. And the story is told in present time first person for that reason. Criticism and commentary are accepted. Flames are not. I gave your warnings above. And I don't own Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin! If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction for it now would I?

Chapter One:

 

You know how it seems like the entire world is conspiring against you in some way or another simply because shit just keeps fucking happening no matter how much you try to fix it and make it better? Yeah, today is most definitely one of those. Oh, it started off well enough. I allowed my "little sister" to sleep in, though I really wanted to wake her up, in recognition for our three month anniversary of getting out of the fucking Underground (we followed a group of Scouts with their three new recruits without getting caught and I paid for our citizenships [mine already existed before my Underground days] so we couldn't get in trouble with MPs) after eight years trapped there against our wills. I cleaned everything but her room as soon as I woke up, saw our extremely kind housemate off to our tea and sweets shop, finished as entire book, and drank about ten to thirteen cups of tea without the thing called stress to induce it. It was a wonderful morning.

It was when I had to wake Claire up that our suppose-to-be pleasant day turning into complete and utter _shit_.

First, some ass-hat chose the _exact_ moment I began to climb the stairs to Claire's room to wake her up (no small feat, trust me) to try and _rob_ us resulting in me having to nearly kill the guy and throw him out on his already battered face (his cry of agony only lifted my mood a little bit). Second, Claire _tried_ to kill me in order to sleep in longer (it was almost ten in the _fucking_ morning, she didn't need anymore sleep) causing me to use force and extremely cold water to wake her fully ( _that_ resulted in a sobbing-her-eyes-out fit and a highly pissed off older sister who wasn't in the fucking mood for it). Third, while rushing to work and dragging Claire by the wrist because we were _late_ ; she bumped into a patrolling MP hard to enough to slip from my grasp and both went crashing to the dirty ground (I man-handled her up and practically ran to escape the dick who could make our lives even more of a living hell). Fourth, we were chased through the streets by a midget Scout who got drenched in muddy water due to Claire accidently knocking over a small fruit stand into a giant puddle (the look on his face was actually kind of frightening so I wanted absolutely _nothing_ to do with him and once again, ran away). And finally, the ass-hat who broke into my house earlier in the day turned out to be a MP and got a small band of his pussy friends to come and demand money as payment for the ass kicking he so rightly deserved (he actually had the balls to _demand_ , the worm). Which is how I ended up right where I am now, trying and almost failing to keep my temper in check so I don't end up in prison or worse for killing an MP not only harassing me _but_ my customers as well.

"If you don't pay us the amount we want, your shop is outta business. You really want that, girlie?" the biggest one, whose face was smooshed into his skull, leans over the counter to emphasize his point just as the brass bell above the door to the shop sounds. I ignore our newest customers as I keep my gaze on the five MPs before me with crossed arms and my left eyebrow raised.

"Shop's closed. Get out," the big MP snarls without turning around and I snort in amusement, a smirk sliding onto my face.

"What? _Afraid_ someone will actually see your regiment for what it truly is? A bunch of no good criminals with nothing better to do then hit on women and do drugs?" My tone is mocking as my smirk grows bigger. The MP with the nose of a pig and big, ass ears leaps onto my counter and grabs the collar of my shirt to put his face in mine. I can't help but scrunch up my nose in distaste at the smell of his breath as he pants angrily through his mouth.

"Pay us what you owe us, bitch, and then apologize!" My already fading smirk slips away completely and turns into a scowl. "Or your already scarred up face will get ten times worse."

It takes almost everything I have to keep from snapping the asshole's neck for the remark on the scar on my eye but my everything doesn't stop my anger from skyrocketing.

"Get the fuck outta my face, ya pig," my Underground scent slips out slightly as I hiss at him. "Your breath smells worse than shit. It's _disgusting_."

"And what're ya gonna do about it, you ugly, ass  _bitch_?" he scoffs as he gets even closer. My scowl deepens as his smirk widens.

"Ella!"

"Sissy, no!"

I react automatically, grabbing the hand that's holding me and hoisting it up and twisting it over quickly causing the ass-hat to cry out in pain. I press down on the middle of his palm with my thumb, flip the dick around with my other hand, bend his arm behind his back palm up, and hold him down on the counter as the others in the shop gasp in shock. With the way his arm is bent, he can't move much without severe pain. Before the other four ass-hats move to try and get him outta my grasp, I prove it by tightening his arm further around causing my victim to sob. His friends freeze as I look up to meet their eyes.

"I coul' break yer arm, shit face," I growl as I give a warning look to his little friends, my Underground accent now thick, as I use more pressure. He squeaks, actually _squeaks_ like a fucking mouse, in pain and squirms a bit. "Now, yer all gonna 'pologize like gents, turn 'round, an' leave if yer know wha's good fer ya. Tha' un'erstood?"

"Yes!" his voice is high-pitched as I use just a little more pressure (just to the point where it _could_ break) before I release him, throw him over my counter, and have him land face first on his friends. They scramble up and out of my shop, tripping over chairs and their own feet as the one who was my latest pain victim throws an apology over his shoulder. It's quiet for all of five seconds after they leave before I hear choking sounds coming from behind me. My sigh of resignation is enough for the choking sounds to turn into full-blown laughter as I grab some cleaning supplies and a rag and wipe down the counter. His spittle and blood are staining it.

"That... That was amazing!" Claire chokes out as I sigh once more though my lips twitch a bit. " _ ***** Mon Dieu_! I haven't seen you like that since three months ago! Did you see their faces?"

"T-tell me about it! They looked ready to soil their trousers!"

"B-Beth, do you-" Claire chokes mid-sentence on her own laughter before I put everything I just got out away and turn to face their hunched over forms.

"It might be a good idea to calm down before speaking before you two choke on your own tongues." They can't hear me over their laughter, it's obvious, but I honestly don't care. It isn't often that I see Claire smiling and laughing this much so it's a secret enjoyment of mine. I continue to watch the two girls before me before turning around to greet our still present customers.

"My apologizes for the wait," I say with my accent once again hidden and a bow before straightening with a small grimace. "Welcome to Crumpet's Café. How may I serve-" I cut myself off with wide eyes once I realize who it is I'll be serving and find myself clutching at my old necklace as if it were a life-line. Not only is the midget Scout here but so is a Squad Leader I never thought I'd see again.

It takes but a moment to catch my bearings at the familiar caterpillar eyebrows arched in confusion in front of me as I wipe sweaty palms (I'll never admit aloud, _ever_ ) onto my trousers and fix my grimace immediately into an impassive expression. It's been eight years since I last saw and touched those eyebrows let alone been in the presence of a man who was once considered family to me. I briefly wonder, as I stand there taking in the gigantic man's appearance with a hunger familiar to a starving wolf, if he recognizes me before shooing the traitorous thought away with an inward scowl. There's no point in wondering about that if it's obvious he doesn't. There's no light of recognition in his dark brown eyes.

"You owe me a new _uniform_ , brat," the midget snaps causing me to flip him the bird without truly having to think of doing it and instead focus on him. His sharp (and handsome, though I'd never admit aloud either) features are darkened with a faint scowl as his silvery-gray eyes flash with suppressed anger and.. something else that I can't quite place yet.

"Don't be so short where people can't see you, ass-wipe," I quip and cross my arms with a smirk. Bantering back and forth with an angry midget is a hell of a lot better than focusing on a past that's causing nothing but pain.

"What was that?" I shiver slightly at the dangerous edge to his voice as I lick suddenly dry lips. Do I push it further or back off? Decisions, decisions.

"What my sister _meant_ to say was, 'How may I help you both?'" Claire butts in with a hard shove, having me stumble back a step or two before I right my balance with a glare in her direction. She easily ignores me as she gives them a polite smile, the perfect picture of a shop owner.

The midget Scout opens his mouth to probably degrade my little sister but Erwin Smith stops him with a sharp, "Levi, enough!" and his mouth snaps shut with a small scowl. I hold in a snicker and smirk at him before something dawns on me.

"Wait a minute," I say staring at the midget (I'm only an inch taller but, whatever. It just _ain't_ natural for a man to be that short) in slight disbelief, "you're sayin' that this midget is the sole survivor of that massacre outside the walls?"

"You have a problem with my size, brat?" he asks as he takes a threatening step forward, silvery-gray eyes flashing with fury.

"And if I said I did?" I counter as I lean forward with a sneer and huff a piece of dark auburn hair out of my eyes.

"Levi!"

"Ella, enough!"

"Tch." The midget crosses his arms and looks off to the side with a scowl on his face. I only give Claire a look but otherwise say nothing else as I also cross my arms and begin tapping my foot in annoyance. She gives a slightly pleading, but mostly warning, look before turning to meet the eyes of Erwin Smith.

"How can I help you both?" Claire asks again as Beth comes up from behind me and puts her arms around me, her chin resting on the top of my head. I lean back a bit but don't relax my stance as I continue staring my sister down.

"Yes, you can, actually," the giant of a man replies and pulls out a small bundle of papers from his jacket and straightens them on the counter. The three of us ignore them in favor of looking at the Scouts for the information we need.

"Really?" I can't help but drawl and arch an eyebrow at him. "Looking for a runaway recruit or something?"

I'm ignored as he keeps on talking. "I'm looking for woman who just became a citizen again. Perhaps you three know her?"

"We might," Beth' soft voice drifts from above me and makes me sigh. It sucks to be the shortest sometimes. "Do you know when she became a citizen?"

"Three months ago today," he replies making me stiffen instantly. He's not looking at me as my gaze shoots to his face but at Claire's stiff form, assessing her features as if he's trying to find what he's looking for. I ignore the pair of eyes on my face due to my own stiffening.

"What's her name?" I ask the next question causing everyone's eyes to go to me. I ignore everyone but Smith as our eyes meet. It feels as if the world slows down as he opens his mouth and the words leave. It takes everything I have in me to keep standing, to keep _breathing_ , as everything loses focus for a single moment, the two words doing nothing but echoing inside my brain.

"Ella Saddoris."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Oh God. 
> 
> Yeah, she's kinda badass, huh? ^-^ Thoughts and comments on this first chapter?


	3. To Be... Or Not to be a Scout? That is the Question.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes a moment for the midget to get moving but I can't help but feel relief when he finally does. Now, all that's left to prepare for is tomorrow...
> 
> I'm not sure I'm really ready for that conversation or not yet. Guess I'll find out later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: a bit of angst and cussing. ^-^
> 
> Rating(s): This fanfiction is rated without one for a reason. This chapter though is rated T.
> 
> Actual Author's Note: Criticism and commentary are accepted. Flames are not. I gave your warnings above this fanfiction. And I don't own Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin! If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction for it now would I?
> 
> Shorter chapter but it leads up to a whirlwind of pain, suffering, and regret. Hence the title of my fanfic? *winks*

Chapter Two:

 

"What do you want with her?" Claire's demanding voice brings everything back into focus again as I move from Beth's arms to make myself (and everyone else who's currently in my shop) a much needed cup of tea. The familiar movements kick-starts my brain enough for me tune into the conversation as I set out the proper amount of tea cups and their matching saucers.

"Her father died around the same time she disappeared eight years ago," the Squad Leader explains as I set the water-filled kettle on the metal stove and throw in a log of wood in the fire and close the grate. "He was a fellow Scout and _quite_ a few of us had a hand in raising her until she was seven."

I prepare the tea leaves in the mini-drainers and then get out the cream and sugar as Beth points out softly, "That doesn't answer our question, Mister Smith."

He chuckles. "No, I guess not."

The kettle begins to whistle, filling in the awkward silence that follows, as I take out the loaf of bread that's done baking from the time I put it in before the MPs showed up earlier and set it out on the counter to cool.

"Ella Saddoris is an _unofficial_ member of the Scout Regiment," the midget Scout piped up next after the silence stretches on, sounding obviously annoyed, as I slowly pour water over the tea leaves until I deem the coloring good and begin making three out of fives cups with the proper amount of cream and sugar. "We're here to recruit her and have her join our ranks. _Apparently_ ," I take the cups and saucers two at a time and hand both Beth and Claire theirs while ignoring the other to occupants in the shop, "she already knows how to use the gear. All that's needed in an analysis of her skillset to determine on whether or not the brat needs more training."

"What makes you guys think that she'll actually _want_ to join the military, let alone the _Scout Regiment_ , after all these years?" Claire asks as she takes a sip of her tea and gives me a nod of thanks. Beth does the same as I set down the men's with the cream and sugar right next to their cups. I pick up my cup last and take a sip without once meeting the eyes of anyone in the room.

"That's for us to find out for ourselves," Erwin chimes in again as I take another sip of my tea while looking out the window to see the bustling streets of Trost. It takes only a moment for me to figure out what to do in this situation even though I get the feeling I'll probably regret it later.

"Come in tomorrow, same time," I say and look over to meet Erwin's eyes once more. "I'll ensure you get your answer."

" _ ***** Qu'est-ce que tu fais_?!" Claire cries as I feel her eyes pierce the side of my face. I turn my head to glare at her harshly causing her to flinch.

" _ ***** Il est ma décision, en premier lieu, Claire. Ne présumez pas de savoir ce qu'il est que je veux vraiment. Reculer, pour l'amour de baise_!" I hiss back before meeting the eyes of Erwin Smith for the final time today. Hopefully.

" _ ***** Laisse-la. Ceci est à propos de sa vie, pas le vôtre_," Beth scolds next causing my lips to twitch again. Who knew that the older woman knew French?

"As I said, come in tomorrow around the same time as now so you can get a proper answer. Come alone or with a few Scouts, whatever makes you feel more comfortable."

"Thank you," Bushy Brow (*Dieu, how I've missed calling him that in my thoughts!) says with a small nod to me before turning around to leave. I ignore the midget's staring (seriously? I know for a fact it ain't my looks. I don't know what his problem is) as the giant man puts a hand on his shoulder and motions for the door with his head. "Let's go, Levi."

It takes a moment for the midget to get moving but I can't help but feel relief when he finally does. Now, all that's left to prepare for is tomorrow...

I'm not sure I'm really ready for that conversation or not yet. Guess I'll find out later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations for the French are as follows:
> 
> *What the hell are you doing?!
> 
> *It's my decision in the first place, Claire. Don't presume to know what it is I really want. Back off, for fuck's sake!
> 
> *Leave her be. This is about her life, not yours.
> 
> *God
> 
> So, thoughts?


	4. Sibling Arguments and French Lullabies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

>  "Wait," Claire interrupts, much to my relief, as I lean against the window, "you're saying that, that giant wasn't lying? I thought he just wanted you because of your reputation in the Underground!"  
> I shake my head. "No, he was telling the truth."
> 
>  
> 
> A bit of Ella's past is revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Thank EternalLysterine on deviantart for beta-reading this chapter for me! Without her, I never would have been able to get this as right as I have it._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Warnings: Definite angst and Ella's potty-mouth.
> 
> Rating(s): This fanfiction is rated without one for a reason. This chapter though is rated T.
> 
> Actual Author's Note: Criticism and commentary are accepted. Flames are not. I gave your warnings above this fanfiction. And I don't own Attack on Titan/Shingeki no Kyojin! If I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction for it now would I? Also, song and lyrics in this chapter aren't mine! Only the translation I can pretty much claim... (and it's a crappy one too. Google translate sucks ass... Along with the Translator I have saved in my favs on my browser -_-')

Chapter Three:

 

The air is tense when we finally close up shop and walk home. The dirt streets are littered with trash and other things I'd rather not focus on as shady characters weave in and out of alleyways looking for their next victim. It's fairly easy to ignore, yet, at the same time keep a good eye on them to make sure they don't choose our small party. We're three females traveling alone (never mind the fact that two of us are seasoned killers), we'd be considered for easy pickings. The sun is just starting to drop behind Wall Rose (for some odd reason, Claire doesn't want to be too far from Stohess) causing deep shadows to dance and caress the streets of Trost and our bodies as we come up to our house and step inside after unlocking it. I instantly go about lighting candles and lanterns as Beth and Claire take off their shoes and start doing the same.

"Are we not gonna discuss this, _***** beauté rouge_?" Claire finally demands (why she decides to use that old nickname our late mentor gave me years ago is beyond me) after I set down the last lit candle. Beth sighs softly as she moves to the kitchen, brushing momentarily into my peripheral vision, as I keep my back to my sister. I force my tense stance to relax and lean against the table in front of me. Though we aren't related through blood, I still have to tread lightly with my tone when speaking to my little sister. I don't want to cause her to burst into sudden tears due to a callous tone I don't realize I'm using until it's too late.

"What's there to discuss, _***** petite soeur_? The decision is ultimately mine to make," I point out and turn around to face her with my arms crossed. Her light green eyes narrow at me in anger as she mimics my stance, a piece of her dirty blonde hair falling into her pale face from the sudden movements. Even angry, she still looks stunning.

"Oh, really? And you honestly believe that your _*décision_ won't affect me or Beth? You know full well that I'd follow you into the Scouts, right?"

My own eyes narrow at that. " _ ***** Pourquoi le fuck-vous me suivre dans les Scouts? Je ne dit que vous pouviez me suivre partout et partout où je vais. Vous vous faire tuer et je ne sauver votre peau pendant toutes ces années pour vous faire perdre votre vie avec la mort de sens. Ce qui est exactement ce que ce serait_."

" _ ***** Pas de sens du tout_!" she screeches indignantly causing my eyes to narrow even further.

" _ ***** Oui_," I say stressing the seriousness of my next words, " _ ***** c'est_. I'm not sure I even want to join the Scouts but I do know that if I did, it would be for all the _right_ reasons."

"And what reasons would they be, Ella?" Beth finally chimes in. I clench my arms tightly with my hands as a memory of before the Underground rushes through me. My stomach constricts painfully as I clench my jaw against the onslaught of sudden agony. Joining the Scouts really is no joking matter. Claire has to understand that.

"For one, my _***** père was_ a Scout," I say after a moment before making my way to a window. "He died a month before I was kidnapped and taken into the Underground City. That tall guy with the bushy as fuck eyebrows? He was a good friend of my father's once and had a hand in raising me. I used to consider him an uncle of sorts because of that."

"Wait," Claire interrupts, much to my relief, as I lean against the window, "you're saying that, that giant wasn't _lying_? I thought he just wanted you because of your reputation in the Underground!"

I shake my head. "No, he was telling the truth."

Ignoring the stares my two housemates gives me is relatively easy as I wait for the questions stirring about in their heads. Some I know I'll answer, others I won't. There are some things about my past that I'll never reveal so long as I live only because of my time spent in the Underground. They were perceived as weakness and weakness is what gets you killed. My past is considered a weakness to me. I am nothing like my past, and yet... Without it I wouldn't be the person I am today. The irony of that is astounding.

"I won't go into details, guys. I'm off to bed," I say with a sigh after a bit of time has passed in silence and pass by them to my room off of the entryway to the house. I can hear them talking softly to each other in French, though I'm unable to make out the words, and get ready for bed. I never asked for Erwin Smith to find and make do on the words I spoke carelessly as a child. I'm not even sure I want to be a Scout anymore, if I'm honest. But I'm not sure that I _don't_ want to either. That's part of the reason why I allowed him to meet with me tomorrow. I need to make my own mind up about it and it'll give him the chance to convince me (if Caterpillar can, at any rate. There's no guarantee he can) to join. I shake my head harshly to clear my current line of thinking and throw my clothing into the laundry hamper in the corner of my room so they can be washed tomorrow morning. I lay on top of my blankets once I'm done changing and stare at the ceiling with my had cushioned under my arms until I nod off to sleep, making sure to keep my mind blank to keep from having nightmares...

Only for my eyes to snap open what feels like a few moments later. Soft sobs reach my ears, the sounds making my heart heavy with slight guilt, as I climb out of bed and slip on my slippers. I easily find my way out of my room and up the stairs in the darkness, the candles and lanterns already out, as I stop outside Claire's door. There's no point in knocking, she won't answer anyway, so I just walk on in and sit down at the edge of her bed.

" _ ***** Grande soeur_?" she calls, her voice cracking as she sits up to peer at me through the moonlight shining in through her curtains. My heart breaks slightly at the sheer misery and hopelessness shining in her eyes.

" _*Oui, c'est moi_ ," I whisper as I smooth her hair away from her face with gentle fingers. " _ ***** Je vais vous chanter une berceuse. Il suffit de fermer les yeux et aller dormir. OK_?"

" _ ***** D'accord, merci_," she replies with a watery smile and wipes her eyes with the back of her hands. She lays down facing me with her eyes wide open but I don't chastise her for it. Instead, a small smile comes to my lips and I begin to pet her hair.

" _ ***** Vous êtes les bienvenus, gosse,_" I say back and clear my throat softly to get ready. The words flow from my mouth, slow and haunting, as I time my strokes with the tempo of the song.

 _Vais-je rester_  
_Où il est sain et sauf?_  
_Ou vais-je combattre_  
_Jusqu'à ce que je frappe le sol?_

 _A l'intérieur de cette cage amère_  
_Toutes les fleurs se fanent dans le ciel pourpre_

 _Prends ma main_  
_Allons-nous courir ou rester_  
_Dans ce monde_  
_Plein ou de cruauté_

Her eyes are already closing, her breaths evening and deepening with each word as I continue to pet her hair. I can tell it's soothing her even though the song itself is sad and a little morbid. My father used to sing it to me all the time in both French _and_ German before he died. Now, I use it to bring my own little sister comfort. The world is a small place.

 _Allons-nous prendre les armes_  
_Avec l'espoir de voir le soleil à nouveau_  
_Nous prions..._

 _Manquons-nous la force de lutter ?_  
_Avons-nous perdu la volonté de voler?_

 _Le monde est sombre ..._  
_Le monde est cruel ..._  
_Mais encore , nous Accrochez_

 _Si ce dernier souffle_  
_Sera en quelque sorte sauver ce monde_  
_Je respire mon dernier soupir_  
_Et fermer les yeux fatigués_

 _Et tous ceux que nous avons perdus_  
_Nous aimerions retrouve_  
_Dans ce beau monde que nous avons voulu pour_

 _Mais le monde devient plus sombre_  
_Nous ne pouvons pas récupérer_  
_Cette cage étroite que nous dépendons de crumbles lentement_

 _Est-ce la fin_  
_Nous ne pouvons pas réparer ?_  
_Nous sommes en train de mourir_  
_Si nous sommes ici,_  
_Même avec la peur ,_  
_Nous devons continuer à se battre ..._

My voice trails off on the last note, the rhythmic movement of my fingers and the song combined enough to have her back to sleep, this time more peaceful. I stay there a moment or two more before getting up and heading back to my own room without glancing back. I already know that she won't have any more bad dreams tonight. The lullaby ensures that.

 _" ****** Wird sie in Ordnung sein_?"

It takes everything I have in me not to react to Beth suddenly speaking behind me. I turn around with a raised eyebrow at the German instead of French but otherwise do nothing else as I debate on whether or not to give her, her answer.

 _" ****** Ja, Claire ist in Ordnung jetzt_," I reply after a moment's hesitation before glaring at her slightly. " _ ****** Stören sie nicht_."

Beth only chuckles softly before her dark brown eyes pierce mine, the concern in them barely hidden. " _ ****** Bist du in Ordnung, Ella_?"

" _ ****** Es geht mir gut_," I reply instantly. " _ ****** Geh wieder ins Bett schon, alte Frau_."

" _ ****** Ich bin nicht viel älter als du, Ella_," she says with a mock glare as she tucks a piece of her ebony hair behind her ear. 

I can't help but smirk at her. The woman's in her twenties. " _ ****** Wirklich? Diese Falten um die Augen und den Mund Zustand anders._"

She ignores my comment easily with a piercing look. " _ ****** Sie wissen, was Sie tun werden noch_?" I can't help but glare for real at the intrusive question.

" _ ****** Ist es wirklich alle Ihre verdammte Unternehmen? Wir wissen nicht, einander wirklich alles gut_," I hiss angrily. 

" _ ****** Wahre_," she intones with a tilt of her head, " _ ****** Aber diese drei Monate sind mir etwas über Sie und Claire gelehrt_."

I blink at that before narrowing my eyes. " _ ****** Oh? Und was wäre das genau sein_?"

" _ ****** Dass du wegen Claire keine Entscheidung aus einer Laune heraus zu machen. Claire würde man praktisch überall hin folgen, und Sie wissen das_."

I sigh at the truth of her statement and decide not to correct it. She has a point, really. Not that it helps any. It only makes my mind whir even more, the decisions and possibilities in an endless spin in my head. It makes my head hurt.

" _ ******...Gehen einfach ins Bett schon, Beth. Wir werden mehr in den Morgen redden_ ," I sigh tiredly before turning away from her and heading down the stairs back to my own room.

"Goodnight, Ella," she calls softly at my turned back. "Sweet dreams."

I stop for a moment to reply, my own voice soft, before continuing on my way.

"You too, Beth."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> German Translations:
> 
> **Will she be alright?  
> **Yeah, Claire's fine now.  
> **Don't bother her.  
> **Are you alright, Ella?  
> **I'm fine.  
> **Go back to bed already, old woman.  
> **I'm not much older than you, Ella.  
> **Really? Those wrinkles around your eyes and mouth state otherwise.  
> **Do you know what you're gonna do yet?  
> **Is it really any of your fucking business? We don't really know each other all that well.  
> **True  
> **but these three months have taught me something about you and Claire.  
> **Oh? And what would that be exactly?  
> **That you don't make a decision on a whim because of Claire. Claire would follow you practically anywhere and you know this.  
> **just go to bed already, Beth. We'll talk more in the morning.
> 
> French Translations:
> 
> *red beauty  
> *little sister  
> *decision  
> *Why the fuck would you follow me into the Scouts? I never said you could follow me anywhere and everywhere I go. You'll get yourself killed and I didn't save your ass all those years ago just for you to waste your life with a meaningless death. Which is exactly what it would be.  
> *Not meaningless at all!  
> *Yes  
> *it is  
> *father  
> *Big sister  
> *Yes, it's me.  
> *I'm gonna sing you a lullaby. Just close your eyes and go to sleep. Okay?  
> *Okay, thank you.  
> *You're welcome, brat.
> 
> The song is the French version (I did the translations of the lyrics myself, though they could very well be crappy) of Aquaspirit77's lyrics for Omake Pfadlib. I love that song. I really do. My favorite version is with Lizz singing it. You can find it on youtube if you're curious. All in all, it was a very emotional and long chapter. Don't expect them to remain this long either. My writing is sporadic and I can't help that. And in a few chapters, we're gonna have another Interlude. Keep an eye out for it.
> 
> Criticism would be lovely, my dears! ^-^


End file.
